Online dating statistics provide very clear evidence that the digital dating trend is still on the rise. The real question remains however: “Does online dating really work?” Carla B. of EOTM Radio & Media says….”quite possibly…yes”.
Over the next couple months, (Carla B) will be dating 51 men. She will go on dates at beaches, hiking trails, on the back of Harley-Davidsons’, coffee houses, parks, museums, shooting ranges, etc. She will tell these 51 men about her work, family as well as her passions. She cannot kiss any of these men, reserving physical contact for the one…we might as well say it…who would eventually win her heart.
To get started she posted an ad on an online dating site. Profiling some of her best photos, wearing her most glamorous smile!
She stated that she wanted a man who “somehow manages to strike that tricky balance of being both spontaneous and dependable. Or can happily tolerate both sides of her, ” amongst other things.
During the show, April Mason relationship expert, and CEO of Single No More will be on air sharing her professional opinion on Ms. B’s online dating experiences as well as, “why”, in her opinion, You CAN live by the mantra, which is….in layman terms…“Single No More”.
The first show airs on May 5th — Carla B. will be discussing “Mr No Show,” “Mr Jealousy,” “Mr Bully” “Mr Two Timer,” “Mr the Liberated Man,” “The Betrayed,” “The Narcissist,” “Mr Resentment,” “The Virtual lover, The guy that had the happiest childhood,” and a couple others!
Author: Carla B.
Ok…now folks that say dating is fun either don’t remember or are simply wrong! When I plunged back into it recently after two years…I was stunned at how hard it was. Knowing what to say, where to go, what to order off the menu, whether I was having a good time, lol. Decisions I could make hundreds of times a day without thinking were suddenly excruciatingly difficult, frightened with the weight of the world…with the possibility of affecting my destiny. This was not…how do I put it….fun?! So after the 1st string of dates I am revising my approach. I will begin to use the world’s most awkward social situations to practice the art of being me! I hope you join me! I plan on coming clean with myself and admitting the stakes are high. I will be discarding the casual stance ( I don’t care what happens, I’m not nervous…I do this all the time). Being “almost” 40 I recognize the importance of seeking love and also that the chances of finding it are unbelievably slim. Such low probability is oddly comforting. I have the long shot’s permission to run the race…my way! Subscribe to receive alerts to all my shows on online dating via EOTMRadio.com.
Author: Carla B.
In these new series of shows I’m treating “singleness” as a marketing strategy, in which the women (in this case me) is the product to be advertised. These shows will be dedicated to the women that are sick of wallowing in why they are single. The point is….that she is…and what she will do about it? I’m offering woman an objective business perspective to online dating. Look at it this way, if you were looking for a job, you would post a resume on line, right? You would buy a new interview suit too correct? And you’d do it because you’d be more likely to find a job. Why is it different to find that perfect match or even a husband?
The revelation — it’s really hard for me in those first few minutes of meeting someone new. Nothing is worse or more exquisite than my date’s first flicker of disappointment or approval. If he clearly isn’t interested then he was simply another woman’s catch. I got out of her way. I knew I’d meet someone else tomorrow. Even if a first date wasn’t fantastic, I tended to accept second dates to make sure I hadn’t been too hasty in my judgement. The thing I like best about my online dating project is that it validates that nagging sense I’d had for years. Every Friday night I’d spent alone or with girlfriends, I’d believed there had to be several thousand potential dates out there for me, somewhere. It turns out I was right.
To date so many men, I needed to be honest in a new way. In my 20s, when the wrong man asked me out, I usually lied. I was either way to busy, dating someone else or moving to Paris for a year. Sensing my fib, some men refused to let go. A few talked me into dates or worse, relationships. I marvel to think I left the nest without ever learning how to verbalize my own needs and desires.
One of my earliest online dates taught me about honesty. “It was really nice to meet you,” the tall, good looking athletic wrote me in an email after Date #2, “but I didn’t feel that indescribable something that would tell me we’re a match.”
I sat there looking at my computer screen. He had found the words to describe my own sentiments. I didn’t feel rejected. I felt liberated by his courage. Better yet, I stole his line!
As first dates go, my latest one rated four stars. The antipasto platter and pizza were good; the conversation was even better. Both of us spoke pig latin, loved Mediterranean food, and had lived in Chicago, so there was plenty to talk about. The chemistry? I knew from his pictures that he was hot,but when we met…was it love at 1st sight? Well, you will have to wait till May 5th for more details on this one.
UPDATED: 4/16/2012 – Date 21
My date with Mr. Resentment – I guess I should have paid close attention during our phone conversations and how he handled my accomplishments. Before our lunch date, which was at one of my favorite spots near the Staples Center, I shared how just that afternoon, I had secured a new client and closed a deal with a media outlet. “Hello, hello, you still there,” I said into my wireless ear piece. Mr. Hubba Hubba Hottie Hunk, simply said, “Yes I’m here, that’s nothing, how much does that break down to, really,” he said chuckling through his phone. “It probably only amounts to six dollars a day after taxes and a couple extra headaches or in your case, migraines. You did mention how you get them after really trying days at the office, correct? ”
Oh yeah folks– that was strike one!
Then he used expressions like, “your little projects” and ” you are just going through a phase,” that was strike two!
At this point in the conversation, I oh so wanted to cancel our 1st date…but being so dedicated to what I set out to do, (dating 51 men) I decide to still meet.
I arrived at our destination about 30 minutes early…best to be in control. He spotted me first and as he walked up to the bar, my stomach dropped, not because of his looks…he was simply gorgeous…it was his attitude, his resentment, his male chauvinist attitude that would be our undoing, before we even began. My grandmother, mother, aunts, girlfriends voices were screaming in my head. Run…Run fast Carla and don’t look back!
I knew I would listen…to their voices…this time around.
Just because “Mr. Resentment,” is having a hard time adjusting to the idea that women are capable breadwinners (which was strike three, by the way) doesn’t mean we (women) have to martyr ourselves into helping them make the transition. This is totally not fair and unrealistic! I’m sure there are men out there that would be very happy to bask in the glow that their woman cast and to consider our talents a positive reflection on them.
So bye bye Mr. (Hottie) Resentment, on to the next one!
The Liberated Man – Uh — NOT a match!
Back when I was in my 20’s I had a friend who has always said, I seem to have a very liberating effect on whatever man I am dating. We go on five dates and the next thing I know he’s moved in with me, quit his job and his car is on blocks in my yard. Yes, certain men are more prone to this type of liberation than others. In going on dates with some 51 men (that I hope to learn from) I have found some carpenters, lifetime students, tour guides and musicians all fall into the category of men who are perfectly willing to hand themselves over to the care of a good woman. Oh, I can’t forget some stage performers, skater dudes, surfer dudes and factory workers.
I may have loved me some “liberated men” back in the day…today though, ahh uh…sooooo NOT a match!
The Betrayed — gotta love em…right?
I seem to have dated an inordinate number of men who have just been left by a woman for a woman. In general, these men are angry beyond all reason, no matter to what lengths they may go to disguise it, and if you date one, as I, be ready to give up all your girlfriends or you will be accused of being a lesbian too. What’s the ole adage…? ‘Women are consistently emotional’…well in 2012, Men fit the bill too!
The Narcissist — he doesn’t like my pets…do I even need to talk about this one?
Put this melodramatic fella at the top of the category that includes he won’t make eye contact with your kids and he doesn’t want to meet your sister, and he even whines the first time you make plans with your girlfriends. A man threatened by the love you have for the pet you sleep with is going to be threatened by more things than you can name. Yes, I dated him (2 times during the course of a week) and it invited this type of conflict in my life…for 1 week ONLY..though. Worse week of my life…I was tired before I even got up in the morning.
4/19/2012 update continued…
So considering I am going on some 51 dates a friend of mine asked, how would I recognize the man of my dreams….
Well…below is my short answer
I want a man who can make me laugh when I am down and who laughs with me when I am up. A man who listens, asks questions and responds. A man who rubs my feet to put me to sleep and who goes out for café’ mocha’s when I am up late working…and he knows that on those working all nighters the answer to any question involving whipped cream is yes. He would wash my hair, cook dinner, read to me on trips and who’s happy when I read, sing or dance for him.
I want a man who when he finds out that there are $199 fares to Kona suggests I go with my bff while he stays home and takes care of my dog. I want a man that would drive that same dog around all night when he is hallucinating and howling after the vet gave him too much postsurgical morphine, because I am away on a business trip. I want a man who loves many things; his work, his landscape, a sports team and his friends. I want a man who knows that love is not a pie, that sex is not a sport, that faith (in the world, in each other) is a little like a full time job.
I want a man that knows that women have a secret, and even though he can’t know what it is, he is smart enough to want to live in its light.
Most important, I want a man who can continue to surprise me for a week, a month a year, a lifetime, which is to say a man who has a big imagination, and who is willing to use it to win my heart.
The guy who had the happiest childhood ever…this side of the Beav! Oh yeah…it’s getting good!
Mr. Happy had a smile that could definitely land him a gig as the next Close-Up toothpaste spokesperson. He was almost a “winner.” But things couldn’t really be this great…could they? I’m an optimist, so I gave it a twirl. The 1st phone conversation I found out his mother was perfect, his father never smoked, drank or cheated. He hates the way his friends blame their parents for everything, when he and his siblings had love pouring down on them from the moment they woke in the morning until they went to bed. His parents just recently sold their farm house in Wisconsin and moved into his new home to be closer to him and his siblings. However refreshing this may have sounded to me at first….all that slowly dissipated as this very same story came up over and over. The 4th time he shared his “happy story” I had a flashback of a scene in the original Psycho movie when we all found out the truth about Mother! Very weird! It was almost as if he was trying to convince himself. I noticed how ever now and again as he told his happy story over and over…how if I listened carefully…I heard the creak and the crack of a personal mythology …it was very sad. This guy seriously needed help and I was so not the person that wanted to be around him….when his walls came crashing down. I’m not really partial to loud noises.
After our initial meet and greet, I decided to leave things on a happy note…which came via text “it was really nice to meet you but I didn’t feel that indescribable something that would tell me we’re a match.” Bye bye Mr. Happy!
Date #34 — Mr. Jealousy
At first he got a little short with a waiter that smiled at me. Then he was exasperated by how long me and the service guy at the gas station discussed the rising prices in gas. I invited Mr. Jealousy to a red carpet event as my guest and he later pointed out that me and a colleague hugs were too long to be appropriate and one of my bff’s which happens to be male has the hots for me and I don’t even know it…huh…really!?
However flattering his jealousies may have seemed the first five minutes of me knowing him..past experiences remind me they’ll get old and confining more quickly than I could imagine…and when I finally do break up with him, he will hang the scarves I left behind on my trees like nooses and follow me and the next man I date all over town. Bye bye Mr. Jealousy..you gets no love!
Wish me better luck next week…I am keeping hope alive
The Virtual lover….
There’s always a hand full in every email inbox…some surprisingly more than others. I try to keep a pretty clean and concise profile as to not attract these types but some always give it the ole school boy try. Here’s a brief account of my experience with “the Virtual Lover.” First off I must admit, Mr. Virtual lover was finer than wine. About 5’10, athletic build, green eyes with bald head..(by choice..I must add…he resembled a shorter version of the Roc. Despite how hot he was…I saw this guys act from the very beginning…but thought it would give me that much needed experience I would need to keep this 51 date thing going and I would probably even get some pretty entertaining content for ya’ll to read. So I dove in head first…not technically though. His conversation wasn’t even unique, “it’s all about the chemistry baby, when we meet…I expect a big kiss cause I know there is going to be an attraction, as long as you look like your picture,” he said. I tried to dig deeper to see if there was possibly a philosophical side to him or something that would warrant me accepting another phone call. “Baby, I can’t wait to see you and look into your eyes and make you mine, can we meet tonight?” Not only No… but hell NO…I wanted to scream. I said no for over a week….I actually enjoyed it a tiny bit..listening to all the not so wonderful ways he tried to convince me…he was very persistent…and in the end that persistence was what gave him that first meeting. All I could think about was wow, maybe he aint that bad after all…having some of the same traits as Colonel Sanders. Did you know Colonel “Kentucky Fried Chicken” Sanders endured over 100 no’s before he sold his famous recipe. These two had something in common and that was very funny to my ears. The Virtual lover Dude never gave up. He texted, called, emailed until I said..ok..to a meet. Upon meeting at a Starbucks, we hugged and he tried to kiss me..I pulled back…uh…sorry….what are you doing! “You don’t feel this, babe, lets leave this place and go somewhere else.” Only place I am going from here is far far away…from you. Sorry, this just doesn’t feel right.
I left the virtual lover boy looking a little uncomfortable for only a brief second before he pulled out his phone, put on the ole ‘make the girls love me smile,’ I guess he used my saying…on to the next one…
I was quite happy it was over.
The one Daddy would have approved of??? xoxoxo
I met the perfect guy recently. How does he compare with the others? To date…there is NO comparison..just so you know. I’ve tried not to think of him much…because ..well you know the saying. If he appears like the perfect guy…he’s NOT…he has to have some kind of deformity or something to the effect…right? Or what about the saying (quote) from Bob Marley. “He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
How freaking special is that one!?!
I have always loved that quote…and is one I try to live by. The one my daddy would approve of….well…could this handsome gent be the one for me?
You gotta keep reading…this is getting good.
Have I said lately…that I love my life?! I do!!
Mr. Manipulative – learn the signs —
Below are three examples some men use to manipulate women. They are my true accounts of dating some 51 Men I met online.
1. He asks you to do something you feel is unethical or dishonest. When you object, he chastises you.
2. He uses affection to coerce you. Mr. Manipulative wants you to do something you don’t want to do. He puts his laundry in your hamper. When you protest that you don’t want to be doing his laundry, he sidles up next to you, hugs you the way he knows you love and starts kissing your face. “Oh, sweetie, you are such a wonderful woman I didn’t think you’d mind doing my little laundry with yours. After all, then our clothes can intertwine, just like we do!”
3. He bullies you and uses guilt to finagle. If you say “no,” he chides you with, “What are you a prude?” Or threatens you, “If we don’t have sex the next time we’re together, I’m history” or “We never have sex. You always have some excuse. I think you don’t love me anymore.”
The bottom line is it’s easy to see these as manipulation when you’re not in a romance with the person. However, when you are, your clear vision can get cloudy.
Read the account of my interaction with the lovely, Mr. Manipulative.
The dinner was nice. I wasn’t ready to call it a night so I mentioned we should go to a bar up the street. We decided to hop in one car and leave the other parked. We had a interesting talk about internet dating, everything was groovy. However, I started getting a little uncomfortable as we drove in silence. I asked if he could turn on the music and he started flipping through the stations. He then landed on a mostly Spanish station and Ricky Martin’s La vida Loca came blarring through his speakers…it must have been his jam because he put the base up as if he was at the solemnity of the Virgin Mary or some other festivities that celebrate as if there is all there is. I can dig it, so I kept quite. After the song was over, he began with the “I just want to hang out and chill”. I said that the place is not far and is very relaxed, but he didn’t say anything. Then he said “we should go to your house and have a bottle of wine and watch a movie”. I said that this was not an option. He made it a point to let me know that I was insecure in myself which was the reason I would not allow him to come over. He perceived this to be a major flaw in me. He was very subtle in his approach…but his accusations were clear.
When he realized he was not going to get a invitation he just sat there and kind of pouted and said he was just gonna call it a night and drop me off, which he did with barely a good bye. I was home by 10. Funny thing, he texted when he got home and said he had a nice time. I was a bit put off by what happened in the car, but I figured that perhaps he was trying to see how far he could go…and at that point…I knew it was going to be a situation I would not entertain.
Considering I have already experienced his type on more than one occasion ..I decided to end it without even a thought of a second date.
I chuckle to myself, feeling a little bad for him…despite it all. I am sure there are plenty women who would entertain his offers…without any devious forms of manipulation.
In this game we call life I’ve came to realize men are just as insecure as women, sometimes even more. Some men are master manipulators and have the ability to transfer their own insecurities onto their woman. Whatever the case, I refuse to belittle myself to these types of games. After I mentally tossed him aside…I felt so much better. This experiment is helping me on so many levels. I hope it is for you too!
My revelation — 5/1/2012 (5 days left)
Like many women I know, I had always been more concerned with being liked than with liking. What would happen if I stopped arranging my behavior around attracting the other person? I changed the way I dressed for a date…still choosing clothes that looked good but not more revealing or frilly than I would normally wear. I tried not to fill the pauses in the conversation, thinking instead, This is uncomfortable…for both of us. I fully answered questions about my work and my interests, including those parts that I imagined might not appeal to my dinner partner.
I also reconsidered the way I looked at my dates. It’s hard to see a person accurately when there’s even a sliver of a chance that he might turn out to be the person with whom you share children and utility bills and a bed for years on end. What you want so often blocks what’s actually there. And what’s there on the table between you… is two luggage racks full of baggage…a Samsonite sundae piled high with hopes, dreams, disappointments, losses and long-held ways of understanding the world. We’re all products of a particular time and place, family and religion, history and culture, coincidence and physical attributes. To listen with openness and say what you mean across that mass takes concentration and presence of mind. No time left to worry about whether you should have worn the Manolos.
One of my vision clarifying exercises was to re-examine how I perceived my date’s imperfections. (This was a lil tricky because I had the capacity to find fatal flaws before the bartender took our order.) Some of the fault finding was accurate…but most of it was defensiveness and anxiety. So I began to practice grace and charity, to give these near strangers a wide berth, to allow them the sincere, complicated, and glorious humanity that…I too…was working so hard to let out.
Even if nothing resulted between us…the usual scenario…we had shared a reasonable attempt to make a connection. Thinking of us as colleagues and not adversaries helped me relax, and I often enjoyed myself even when no sparks flew.
Just when I was getting the hang of being myself and disentangling nervousness from neurosis…I went on a date that ended my need to date…possibly forever…
Here is what I have learned, in order for dating to work, stop trying to make it work. I don’t mean to suggest that you’ll suddenly be having the time of your life. I found dating some 51 men…difficult and challenging and sometimes heart wrenching. But I was determined to approach it with a gentleness toward myself and the other sorry sot across from me… and to breath through it all. What a difference that has made.
Online Dating: My strategic approach (couple nuggets)
All singles in search of a whine-fest should roll right on past this train station,(update). Anyone who gets off at Carla B’s station will be served a particularly strong shot of truth. For the woman that wants success in their dating life I have a promise for you, put yourself on a plan that I call, “Carla B’s Online Dating Program,” and you just may have one foot in that Vera Wang gown.
As I mentioned in my earlier posts, ^ I am treating singleness as a marketing issue. My dating program is a strategic plan, in which the woman is the product to be advertised.
This entire experience is dedicated to the woman who is sick of wallowing in why she’s single. The point is…that she is and what the heck will she do about it.
Hey! I’m a entrepreneur first and foremost, hopefully many can appreciate my new found objective business perspective.
I am dedicated to the task at hand, it’s 100% for anything, whether it’s losing weight, finding a job, or quitting an addiction. I have no doubt that it all becomes a challenge we can rise above.I’ve seen what the power of focus can do for anyone that’s committed…not just in words but action.
So, let’s start with the first steps of online dating.
Find a dating site that fits your needs and create your dating profile. Create your ad thoughtfully and consider every word. My finished product reflected my attitude, a combination of ‘you have to play to win,’ and hey..why not!?
Profiles Do’s and Dont’s — Wondering if you should mention your snoring, your dexterity with the saxophone or your knock knees?
1. Post a terrific photo. Put on lipstick, a cowboy hat or your coolest t shirt and stilettos. (just get yourself in that rock on frame of mind…whereas you are the most confident…is all I am saying.) Play your favorite CD. Props that make you feel soulful, frisky and fascinating help you make those claims for yourself in your ad.
2. Do not oversell your appearance.
3. Show your personality, don’t tell it.
4. Seriously avoid personal ad speck. Example: don’t ‘like fine dining,’ when you can be passionate about prime ribs. don’t ‘enjoy movies’ when you can declare your undying love for Brad Pitt.
5. Include the basics; age, occupation, whether or not you have children and what you are seeking in a mate.
6. Don’t lie about your age.
7. Unless you know for sure that you only want to meet, say, a non smoking Asian dentist, go easy on the list of qualities he must have.
8. It’s dating, not brain surgery. You can do it over..you can do it again!
After the profile is LIVE
You will get lots of responses right off the bat. Some may be ludicrous, like the 40 something guy that in a Hawaiian shirt who offered to fly me to Vegas for the weekend! Trust me when I say…you will delete far more than you’ll answer.And if by chance you decide to meet and he’s not a match, don’t be afraid to tell him. Feel free to use my line, “I didn’t feel that indescribable something that would tell me we’re a match.” Wish him well, the discomfort will be short lived. You both are now free and you have learned a valuable lesson in personal boundaries. I call it a suit of comfortable, light weight body armor, my newly declared boundaries keeping me safe.
The date that was worth waiting for..?
Over the past two months I had to train myself to listen closely to what my deepest instincts said in the first nanosecond of meeting a man. Hmmm…maybe, I thought when I spied him walking into the sports bar. With every subsequent date, the voice grew surer. I never expected my soon to be ‘new man’ would come from a different culture, and be as witty as me, but he is. He must be remarkable to tolerate me continuing with my 51 dates, yes he is. Hopefully he is confident in my feelings for him, knowing I looked long and hard to find him. The parade of men who preceded him helped me know myself better. They repeatedly tested my ability to speak up or to stay quiet when needed to. They certainly taught me to appreciate the man who, in the end, answered not only my ad..but my dreams.
Be sure to tune in Sunday at 7pm PT via EOTM Radio for a live recap of my dating experiences with 51 Men!
Looking to find success in love online? According to experts, honesty, patience and a well-thought-out profile are all anyone needs to find true love. What’s your take? Leave your comments below.
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